Evolution

People have been asking me a lot of questions lately about how I became such a big shot reviewer on the internet, and I admit I've been pleasantly surprised. I might tell you that story sometime but today I have a review that I need to write fast:

This is the comic that I'm reviewing today.

Now right off the bat you can see the main problem: The characters are heads who, instead of sitting on the ground or even rolling just float in the air at a fixed height. Some people would ask why this happens, but really it's just because this webcomic is horrible.

I don't know why I do this.

I have tried and tried to come to terms with this comic and what it means to the world, but english is not a good enough language for it. I would have to learn swahili or something even to portray the idea of what this comic can be like. I know a lot of people joke about learning swahili, but I'm just so pissed that I might actually do it if I can find a good class/book/website for learning it (links appreciated.)

OK, look at this specific comic that I have selected for viewing.

Notice how in panel 2 the character says "chairs aren't fair." Do you see it?

Read it again and tell me how you feel.

I don't know about you, but I'd say that it makes me feel just a little wrong. I don't think that that line is something I can see myself saying, and I really just don't see how these things always end up happening. I know that we should permit this for freedom, but would it be so wrong to make just one comic illegal? (probably.)

Now the thing about this comic is that the author isn't so special. Anybody could do this comic. Look at this. I will draw my own version of this comic and it won't even take me a minute.


Notice how except for the fact that I have drawn a certain handsome man in this comic, other than that it is an exact duplicate of the kind of crap that is in this strip. In fact, it's actually a little better because it was not made by an idiot.

I'm not going to post any more strips from the comic. You can find them yourself. But what I'm trying to say that this comic has a new problem every couple of days. For one thing, we never get the real picture of these guys and who they really are. They could be just anyone, and I would personally hardly notice. I would not even blink. They don't stand out in the wilderness because they have nothing to feed upon.

I would recommend some real inspiration here. For instance, if you have a girlfriend, maybe she will do something funny that you can use in the strip. If you have a really funny dad, then maybe he has told a joke that you can use to figure out humor. If you have pets, then maybe you could post some photographs.

I just try to be reasonable.

So why don't you?

(((~~~~~SONTY MICK~~~~~)))

Alien Loves Predator

Ok, sometimes when I'm just working and writing my reviews and just having a good old time, out of the blue something happens to make me pissed. Just extremely pissed. Like today I was just pissed for no reason, but some days there are reasons.

But then I turn to web comics to cheer me up.

And what do I see?

I guess what I see is something that probably should be a cave painting because it is so primitive. Warning: The art is too realistic. It's photos. That's why.

OK, now that I've got that off my chest let me show you what goes wrong.

This.

I feel like I've been doing this blog for years, because I've had to read so many horrible webcomics, and it's really starting to turn me into a different kind of person. Like when I go to the store, and I'm looking at magazines, lately I see pictures of Linsey Lohan or whoever and I don't say anything to anyone. Then when I finally get a breath of fresh air, I'm not sure if I appreciate it or if I'm just used to it.

That's why I hate Alien Loves Predator.

I know what you're thinking; This was a movie. Yes it was a movie, and yes I saw the movie. I only remember one scene, though, and that's where there was a pyramid and some guys were running down the side.

Oddly enough that's a pretty apt description of this comic, only instead of a pyramid it's New York, because I guess that was cheaper than Egypt, huh?

I could go on forever.

Let me show you a panel that could improve...

The problem with this is not that bill clinton is in here. We are all used to seeing political comics. The problem comes in when we see that old bill is talking about ballots. That's a problem because we already expect him to talk about that. It is not a surprise. It's a better joke if it's something you don't expect. I would change it to this:

As you can see, the joke is funnier when I change it.

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A lot of people have been wanting to know if I can even draw comics if I am always talking about ones that are bad. Well, I have a little demonstration here. It's just a quick sketch, and it's not about the kinds of things I would normally draw comics about, but you get the idea...

It's just a simple little thing. I did it in just a couple minutes, Maybe I'll make it better later...

I just wanted to have something up.

-Sonty Mick

Unhappy Star

Ladies and gentlemen I give you the worst.

I have read some bad webcomics, and each one of them was like a road down a path that if you drive on it you go insane. I hate hate HATE bad webcomics. This I claim.

That is why I don't know how to feel about Unhappy Star. It's a bad webcomic, so my first instinct is to hate it, but then I get the shakes, and I don't understand my own decision. That's when I need to really find some perspective and move on.

This is the first strip in the series. Pretty bad, huh?

I almost didn't review this comic because I just know that if I do, I'm not going to be able to sleep for a couple of days. But lost sleep is better than lost journalistic integrity. That first strip, by the way is about a cactus with a beard. There is a man sitting on a stump, but we never see his face. That's where I zoned out. When I couldn't see his face. He might as well have no expressions and be a robot.

Then I thought about what the strip would be like if he really was a robot.

I guess not much better, huh?

It's really too bad that it has to be this way.

In this installment, a guy opens doors with his bare hands and people are amazed.

Well I guess that Justin Macoulay (the author) wants us to all be amazed that his charactr can open doors with his bare hands. Big whoop. I open doors with my own hands 1-99 times a day and nobody ever baked me brownies for it. Nobody even ever told me that I did a good job.

This is so stupid.

The next one has a woman in it

Are you expecting her to be so hot that we don't notice, Justin?

Lasers

OK now I have reviewed most of these strips and I can't go on because it's so bad. But still I'm going to list some things that are wrong with it:

1. Clothes. Why do they dress like that? Was any thought put into it?
2. The name. Why is the star so unhappy? Nobody knows!
3. There is no way to participate in this comic.
4. I don't even remember the names of the characters. Names should be memorable.
5. That's enough.

-Sonty Mick

Penny Arcade

OK, the first thing that you need to know about this comic is what is up with it. The answer is probably nothing because as we have seen and has been proven over and over a thousand (or a hundred) times is that this is a bad webcomic.

(oooooh)


Now I know that you have heard it all before, and I know that you have been back to that dry well until you have emerged drier than a butt that you have wiped with this comic. I know. But lets take a closer look, shall we?

First of all what is this all about?

BECAUSE I GUESS I DON'T EVEN KNOW

(I might know)

(but this one I'm not so sure...)

Anybody who has an explanation is free to comment, because in this blog I believe in freedom.

Anyway, on the subject: Penny Arcade. Who drew this? A circus? I mean, it's one thing to be a circus performer and another thing to be a guy who works at the circus but does not perform (pocorn seller?) The penny arcade guys pull out every trick in the book, though. Every sungle trick. (I spelled single wrong on purpose)

Here's a recent example:
OK, it seems to make sense at this point. I mean, you win that argument. But lets take a good strong look at what we get if we move in for a closer look...


Are you starting to see what I mean? It's almost scary, but I don't like to think about it. But when we get even closer of course the questions start to get a little bit more personal...

I think that I've made my point clear. If I haven't, then let me break it down:

1. Penny Arcade is not a true story and cannot claim to be based on true events.
2. Penny Arcade comes out three times a week with another "strip"
3. THEREFORE Penny Arcade has an unrealistic concept of time and place.

I don't know who reads this, but boy are they going to be embarrassed when they figure this out. I don't hate the people, I just hate the comic. Here's a quick rundown of the details:

The Art: At least it's American. I'm tired of all these dogs who try to draw but every time they draw a collar they just raise questions. It's not like this happens automatically.

The Writing: I've read a lot of things. Books, pamphlets, brochures, bulletins, power point presentations, newspapers, closed captioning, street signs, antique store signs, articles, magazines, plaques and baseball scoreboards. None of them were like this.

And that's really all I have to say, because this is starting to piss me off. Don't read Penny Arcade. You'll only encourage Penny Arcade to keep on being itself and giving me more to get pissed about.

-Sonty Mick