I surprise myself sometimes.
I've come up with a new review concept today, and I'm hoping that I can kick it off in this post and give you all just a little touch of astonishment as I transcend utilitarian blogging, and actually make it more of an art form. I am going to do this by just writing just a little bit of poetry. Read this poem that I wrote, and then maybe check and see if you can tell what comic I am reviewing today:
She is independent, and she looks
To another place not her own
She is to nature as a man to his loyal dog
Who squats by his side and is uneasy.
Who can give me a taste of this?
Not you.
You can only give me a breath
And that's the breath that dies out
When I see that you are a waste
And I give you nothing.
OK, do you have anything that resembles an idea what I'm talking about? Think hard. There are clues in there.
I'm talking about Gunnerkrigg Court.
Gunnerkrigg Court is a comic that has court in the name, but it's not the kind of court that you would think. Well, I think it's time that somebody took Gunnerkrigg Court to court to have a trial and see if it's a bad comic. Maybe it will even be sentenced to prison.
OK, now let's open up this case. (raps with gavel on circle of wood). Now I know that there are people out there who will tell you things like that Gunnerkrigg is something that mankind should not be ashamed of. Perhaps you've even seen them on an internet forum, or in a booth together at your local pizza restaurant. They might have even looked at you, and you might have even wondered if you knew them. This is normal. A lot of people don't know how to react to certain social situations. That's what they base shows like Candid Camera off of.
Exhibit A: Gunnerkrigg Court is made by Tom Siddell. It's always unnerving to find out the name of the parent behind the name that you already know. For instance: You all know Taco Bell and Pizza Hut, and some of you may even have heard of KFC, but did you know that they are owned by a parent company called "Yum"? It's not what you'd expect, is it? It's kind of a dry feeling in your mouth, isn't it? It kind of makes fast food taste like sand.
Where to start...where to start...
Let's try the beginning. As you can see, this is typical comic fare. A girl and some black shadows. I guess we won't be calling the newspapers and asking them to change the headlines to something about Gunnerkrigg Court, huh? Looks like we'll be leaving this one for the ravens.
Exhibit B: The main character is a girl who is all at once ordinary, tenacious, fearful, understated and on-edge. Wow, nice move, Tom (not). That really works. It looks like he just took a character that would fit into an office comic like Dilbert and then made her younger and put her in a different setting where she didn't have the proper dynamic. Is this the kind of character who you want to see on a mousepad, but not saying something about coffee? I sure don't, and you probably don't either. This is some really good evidence in the case against Gunnerkrigg Court. I have a feeling the defense attorney won't be objecting to that statement!
Exhibit C: The art in this comic is OK, but it never gives me the kinds of feelings that I get when I'm driving alone and I hum to myself softly because I can't be absolutely certain if there's nobody in the back seat, so I don't want to go all out and sing, because what if there is someone, and I just forgot? In the face of this strong evidence, I think that we may need to consider that Gunnerkrigg Court may be very guilty.
Now let's cross examine the witness: Her best friend is another girl and she has dark hair. Why is it that sidekicks like her always have dark hair? I have seen it in at least two other comics, but I don't have time to list them here. Do your own research for once, it won't kill you. It might even give you a good reason to stop off at the library. While you're there, even if you don't like books, they will probably have some movies.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there is also a living shadow that is alive. That's basically like saying that a child's thimble can be alive, come on, people! Plus there is a robot, which is something that you wouldn't expect in a comic like this, but it has to be there. Whatever. I can't argue with that, because you can't argue with that kind of incompetence. You can only argue against it. ;)
Not that it's uncool to be bald, but robots are pretty much always bald.
Who could ever live in a world like the one in this comic? If this happened in real life, we could all die.
Do you want to die?
Then don't read Gunnerkrigg Court!
I rest my case!
OK, now it's time for the verdict...Drumroll everyone!
Looks like we won't be hearing from Gunnerkrigg Court anytime soon...And it looks like my job here is done.
Until next time, don't do anything illegal, because the eagle eye of Sonty Mick is always watching!
((^^~~~Sonty Mick~~~^^))
96 comments:
sonty mick, don't take this wrong, but you're kind of a dick, and i don't think you really have any idea what you're talking about.
I can't understand a word that you say, Mick. Are you really bad at reviews, or are you really bad at satire?
My guess: both.
Well, it's about time you actually got around to review some comics.
Let me give you some advice, Sonty. Stick to what you're best at. Let some other guy handle all your award stuff for you.
Sonty, when I was a little boy I was so shocked when I learned that Power Rangers wasn't a true story that since then I've never been able to cry.
Sonty, when I read your poem I was finally able to cry again, crying tears of joy for the first time since I was seven.
Keep up the good work.
I honestly don't know what you're trying to say here... the way your 'critique' is presented is in a nonsensical, garbled fashion, much as though you thought you ought to go after this webcomic just because you saw it and thought 'I can do this,' but you really couldn't think of anything to really say about it. You haven't mentioned really what is 'bad' about the comic, you just say what happens and assume that is evidence enough. While it may make sense to you, I'm afraid you're the only one who really understands what you are intending to say. If that's all you really care about (which I doubt) then fine, but under the assumption that you are intending to reach an audience of webcomic readers, your approach is a little ineffectual. What seems to going on in actuality is you are attempting to get one thing only: a reaction. If that is your only goal, then you have no need to put forth any actual effort in your critique, you just have to say 'this sucks balls' and flesh it out with B.S.
Regardless of whether I agree with you or not, if you want to actually review a comic and prove to people that it is bad, at least put forth some effort.
i read this review but i felt like i was reading toilet paper that had streaks on it and also the night before i had black bean soup so it stank
that is what your review is like. Dumb and smelly and it doesn't make sense because you can't actually read poop nobody reads poop
well maybe some fortune tellers somewhere but most people do not read poop
and that is what your review is
also i guess doctors kind of "read" poop if they are examining it to see if you are sick
this revieuw was like humming a song because you dont want to sing out loud because someone can be sitting behind you
you look back and you notice no one is there
and at that minute the radio plays bohemian rhapsody and you sing full-blown-cock-out-hardcore-top-of-your-lungs
:D
Sonty Mick? More like makes me sick!
Given that this review is being written by someone who apparently has no clue that the word "court" can have architectural connotations...you'll pardon me if I don't exactly give your review much credence.
Seriously, did you not know "court" had more than one meaning or were you too busy writing your would be clever trial to notice?
Your idiocy saddens me. If you don't like a webcomic, that is fine. Post in this nonsensical fashion. If you are trying to actually review a webcomic, try having valid points that make sense?
I'm... not sure what your review was about. Was it satire? The logic wasn't good enough for it to be sincere. And I want you to leave metaphors the HELL alone until you get better at them, because that singing in the car thing made my head spin.
I really have no idea what you're talking about in this review. If you don't like the comic, that's fine, not everyone likes everything. But the comments make no sense. Dilbert? What does Dilbert have to do with anything? If you could tell us what you mean by things like that, it would really help.
I am a huge fan of this comic, yet upon hearing that it had a terrible review I decided to give it the benefit of the doubt - then I read this. What is wrong with you? There isn't a single sentence up there that makes any remote sense! Humming because you think someone might be behind you...? What the hell is that supposed to even MEAN? It's a failed simile for something to be sure, but otherwise it's just a crazy, meaningless ramble.
You should be banned from the web for 5 years with no parole!
Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach, review. Those who can't review, write useless drivel like this.
You've probably read John Solomon's reviews. Saying that, there's one huge, fundamental difference between him and you, aside from your reviews sucking:
He can write.
She is to nature as a man to his loyal dog/
Who squats by his side and is uneasy.
*chokes and dies*
yeah I can't tell. is this satire? am I too stupid to tell?
MICK WHYYY ARE YOU DDOOOING THISS TOO YOOOURRSELLFF WHY WHYWHYYY
Let's try writing an actual review of Gunnerkrigg Court.
This beautifully illustrated webcomic springs forth from Tom Siddell, who blends fantasy and realism together with his protagonist, Antimony (Annie for short) and her friends at Gunnerkrigg Court, a school in England.
Annie makes friends with unusual creatures, experiences both science and magic, and walks a fine line between our world and the world of spirits. Mythological figures from a variety of different cultures make appearances, adding that supernatural tint to the comic, giving it flavour.
The adventures Annie encounters are as varied as her friends and acquaintances; she's taught a ghost how to be scary, helped build an anti-gravity machine, and saved earth from arm-less aliens, to name a few. Those however, aren't necessarily the most interesting plots. The reader watches Annie grow up and deal with the pressures of childhood. Annie deals with the death of her mother, the ups and downs of friendship, and searches for a place to call home.
The comic doesn't go out of its way to get to a punchline, but humour is definitely an element of Gunnerkrigg Court. Sadness, happiness and laughter can all be experienced in the same strip, and the reader can relate to the characters, making the court seem real despite the existance of mischeivous talking dolls and half-tree half-wolf demi-gods.
Charming.
Yeaaaah... I don't really know what any of that meant. I'm sure you tried to make some points, but the context was just distracting. And badly written. Mostly badly written.
Incidentally, reading your "review" was like driving down the highway, listening to music, and lip-syncing so well to the point that I can't tell if I'm actually singing, or it's still the radio.
I couldn't tell if that was supposed to be satire or what.
My eight year old sister could write a review of ANYTHING better than you, and hers would consist of just three words; 'it is cool' or 'it is bad'. Having said that, I would have gotten much more out of those three words than what I just got out of your 6+ paragraphs and idiotic poem, which is a headache.
You obviously made this whole review just to piss people off; and get a reaction because of it. Why? It's plain dumb. There are lots of other ways to get attention, you know.
Are you tripping or just high, because your thoughts come out fragmented and blurry when they come out at all. I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from wasting this time. I am ---
Your webcomic reviewing is bad and you should feel bad.
"Let's try the beginning. As you can see, this is typical comic fare. A girl and some black shadows."
This is an excellent argument. My liking of Gunnerkrigg has turned to a fiery, brutal hate.
God bless you.
So this is Zippy the Pinheads day job. I found my way here from GC so I'll make no argument with you for not liking it... (I think you didn't like it anyway...) I honestly couldn't figure this out... This made less sense to me than the Chewbacca defense. And I really was looking for the absurdest humor in it all. Was alcohol involved?
Upon being pointed to your review, I took a few minutes out of my day to actually read Gunnerkrigg Court. I loved it so much that I forwarded it to Neil Gaiman, who apparently loves it as much as I do, giving it a glowing review in his own blog! Thank you, Sonty!
Well, dang. There go ten minutes of my life that I'll never get back. In order to compensate, do you mind drafting up a few pages of a replacement comic of your own that depict, in your empiric opinion, a more suitable heroine?
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
P.S. Thanks for the confused-yet-hearty laugh, though. Heh heh.
I'm sorry, but I have to say that this review is uninformed and fails at being funny. GC has its flaws, but none of those flaws were addressed in this article. This comes off as random trolling.
Epic blogging fail.
Alright. This article is badly written. I'm not saying that I can do better, but if you want to critique a comic like this, do it right.
First, don't judge a book by, not the cover, but the first page.
"Let's try the beginning. As you can see, this is typical comic fare. A girl and some black shadows."
This is just a sad excuse for a flaw idea in a web comic. Seriously, every story has to start SOMEWHERE, even when you think that the beginning is the most typical thing you've ever seen. What you said is proof that you just took a glance at every page instead of actually reading it, thus failing to realize that the author had a good reason for this.
"Now let's cross examine the witness: Her best friend is another girl and she has dark hair. Why is it that sidekicks like her always have dark hair?"
I can see why you don't like this concept, but this comic managed to not use the WAY over-due "intelligent" characters who have brown hair and giant glasses. Really, which do you think is worse?
I'd like to go on about your article all day, but really, you only mangaged to name the areas that YOU don't like. Nothing's perfect, Mick. If you think you can do the best web comic ever, show us. Let me know how it should be. *rolls eyes*
Were you high when you wrote this?
Seriously, how the hell dose a sober person write nonsensical garbage like this?
From what I can gather, you seem to have a problem with this being unique, like whimsy just isn't your thing. But I can't be sure of what exactly you didn't like about it because you make no sense.
A few of my guesses at what this dude is.
1-a troll. A really good troll.
2-John Solomon rip off. If, just because he can insult a comic doesn't mean you can.
3 (and my guess)-John Solomon gave your favorite shitty webcomic a mean reailty check, and you saw the post that said he liked Gunnerkrigg, and wrote this in an attempt to prove some stupid point. I've seen people do this before. Always funny, never well done.
I would never want this character on a mouse pad! Obviously, this ruins the entire story.
Oh, and the side kick has the most common hair color in the world? Obviously stole it. And she's a gypsy! Totally plagiarizing the Hunchback of Notre Dame, isn't she?
First off, I don't have a problem with good mean reviews. I love Zero Punctuation, and that is the pinnacle of what a mean review should aspire to in terms of writing. Sadly sir, you lack the appropriate metaphorical skills to adequately tear into what you perceive to be the flaws of Gunnerkrigg Court. I recommend that you get an editor of some kind to proof read your reviews before posting them.
If I'm going to read bile, it had damn well better be funny, clever or amusing in some form.
Um...
Thank you for total, asinine, wasteful, blithering dreck?
Thank you for clogging up the Intertubes so badly I need to go find a lottery powerball?
Thank you for giving people who can actually follow complicated storytelling and deep, multilayered metaphor, something to giggle at?
Thank you for causing me to write my first comment written entirely in questions?
I'm just gonna be direct here.
This is the worst review I have ever read.
Ever.
It seems like you browsed through a bit of the comic and stopped.
Ahaha, I read through the first bit of your review and stopped.
Funny coincidence. Your review was that. bad.
Noting the other comics you've "reviewed" it seems like you're just another little upstart looking for popular things to trash to get your name out there. What's sad? Gunnerkrigg isn't really that big of a name, or didn't used to be.
I'm starting to wonder now as I browse through the reviews whether this is just spite you're thriving on or some sick sense of satire - who knows, maybe you're parodying some /other/ awful reviewer and the joke is just lost in translation - either way, you clearly have lost the point of comics somewhere along the line. Comics, on paper or a series of tubes, are meant to entertain people.
If someone, somewhere, is being entertained by the comic, even for a split second, then it is doing its job, and the author/illustrator/copy-paster has done theirs.
I sincerely hope you haven't quit your day job. :<
You come across as someone trying (and failing) to be clever.
Tip: You are reviewing something. You focus should be on -it-, not how 'cool' to can make yourself look.
Look, stop pretending like you've even read past the first chapter, because I can tell you haven't. People, listen. I am a loyal GC fan, and this comic is soooo much better than he makes it sound (in his strange, joined-up sentences) (wow, he really sounded like Lockheart there...). I mean, look at his language. I bet he doesn't even understand half of the things they say in GC.
That poem? That was pure crap. I have never seen one so badly written and way off topic.
That whole parent company thing? What sort of filler shit was that supposed to be? I mean, pretty much every comic I've read has an author's name with it. It's not really that 'sickening'.
To those of us with a brain, anyway.
So, dickhead? Do us all a favor, and never critizie something you can't even reproduce. That "comic" goes in the same category as that "poem".
Read past the first chapter, people! It gets soooo much better.
You dumb shit-eating blasphemous swine-snogging sock fucking house cat rat-dick bloody cunt rag! Of all the people that deserve to be shot into the sun, you sit close to the top of the list.
Who in the HELL do you think you are...? corny ass nigga!!!
Oh. My. God. That had to be the funniest thing I've ever read.
No, I don't mean the review.
These responces to the review had me laughing so hard I hurt myself!
ADHD idiots like Sonty who are too dumb to understand humor more complex than a half-episode of Looney Tunes do not deserve to have their thoughts put into words. You are a disgrace to humanity and a waste of good oxygen. Kill yourself.
i dont understand
i guess this was satire???
Look, it's satire. I get that. But it's not very funny satire. Sorry.
If you're going to review something, review it. Don't blather, don't talk about random crap, and don't endlessly stroke your minuscule ego. Just review it, and get it over with.
I really hope you're reading my comment here, because I want to make this clear: You are an /idiot/ and you need to shut up. This isn't satire, and if it is, then it is the worst satire I have ever heard. You must be really unimaginative if you can't enjoy such a wonderful webcomic. I would also like to point out one thing that you mentioned: If you're going to criticize the dark-haired female "sidekick" (which you say is common) then instead of insulting your readers, actually give the examples. And make sure there's more than two.
You remind me of my art professor.
Meaningless dribble to make yourself look smart and superior, while in reality being a mediocre hipster bent on telling people off.
Man, the review wasnt done that well and sorta a waste of time to read. [no artistic critique on the composition, art or well... anything really on this webcomic you mentioned; just seems to be blather and odd metaphors and simile's]
But damn!
The reviews of this review are fantastic. Highly entertaining and a good investment of my time!
"Exhibit B: The main character is a girl who is all at once ordinary, tenacious, fearful, understated and on-edge."
You link to five pages of the comic, supposedly to demonstrate those five character traits...but the pages you link to have nothing to do with any of those traits. The one for "on-edge" barely even has that character in it at all, and she has no speaking lines. What are you getting at?
wow u hate comics, yet you advertise them once again, and your an ego headed COCK JUGGLING THUNDER CUNT, you have got Your own head up your own arse, like alot of people, but yuo have the most pain in the ass ego. Dude get over yourself and get some excercise and even go out for once. even if you are albino... it doesnt stop you breathing in something called "FRESH AIR" once again ..!.(^_^) ASS MUNCH
You know, when someone starts off with "I don't know how I do it. I surprise myself sometimes." and then professes a brilliant new idea promising to revolutionize the landscape of whatever, anyone who's had experience with the internet or even just high school should recognize what's coming next, and this man certainly did not disappoint. I would say the quality of his poem was outmatched only by the quality of his review in general. An impressive feat, to be sure.
God forbid he excreted this drivel sane and sober.
To be fair, the page was worthwhile reading in the end.
WTF u suck and so does yo' review! who wants to read this shit?
NOT ME!
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I rather like the story. It's not too complex, yet intricate enough to keep someone following, and not too believable - it's a COMIC! To be read for entertainment!
It doesn't entertain you? Well, then, don't read it. Easy enough.
Your rant seemed weak and out of whack. Where you on allergy meds when you wrote this? That would explain the rambling.
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It's "incompetence" to put a robot in a webcomic? Since when? Is this some new rule to which I'm not privy?
Is there are reason whyit's a bad thing?
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Exhibit B: Somehow it's bad to have a main character with depth? If you'd actually read the comic, you'd understand that a lot of what we see of Annie's "character" is actually a "character" she is projecting for others around her... but then... actually reading the things you intend to review seems a bit much to ask of you.
Exhibit C: "The art in this comic is OK, but it never gives me the kinds of feelings that I get when I'm driving alone and I hum to myself softly because I can't be absolutely certain if there's nobody in the back seat, so I don't want to go all out and sing, because what if there is someone, and I just forgot?" --at least Tom Siddell is better at conveying feelings and emotions with images than you are at conveying them with written word... What were you trying to say!?
In the future, remember: it's thesis, supporting arguments, conclusions, and all wrapped up in a nice little logical structure of your choosing. Such structures do not include: "This includes X... I say X is bad... ergo I have created from the ether 'strong evidence' for my case" because you have not ONCE in this entire spiel given ONE justifiable reason WHY. One day, you might even get into college... and you'll need to understand how to write an argument.
I agree with the previous posters. In fact, "Mick", I think you will find that it is this internet website that should be imprisoned, instead of the comic "Gunnerkrigg Court" as you suggested. (This is because you are bad at reviewing webcomics).
(So bad that it is a crime)
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