Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Achewood

What?

What's that?

What did you say?

You want The Mickster to apologize?

You want The Mickster to apologize for not giving you...

enough blogs?

No.

Stop being a baby.

I will not apologize for not "giving you enough blogs." That would be like apologizing for being too much in love. Nobody criticizes anyone for giving out too much love, or being in too much of it, so really,  I guess the problem is you. You have a problem.

That problem is Achewood.

I'm sure that if you haven't read Achewood, you wake up in the morning with a really good feeling in the pit of your torso area. That is a normal feeling. I think I used to get that feeling, but when I read Achewood, it went away. I had a good feeling that Achewood was giving me. I don't know if you've ever read a little thing called The Constitution, but let me tell you, it has some pretty negative things to say about things that take away my good feelings. This research which took me a long time has lead me to conclude that Achewood is...



OK, let me tell you what this "comic" that calls itself a comic is all about: An ugly bear who wears glasses and tasteless swimwear is probably the president of something. We are never told what he is the president of, we just see him rolling on skates and sitting on a nozzle. I can tell you one thing, he's not the president of the United States, because the American people wouldn't elect a man who absolutely hated the constitution so much without even pretending to like it.

You'd think he'd at least make a show of pretending to like it, but when you have Sonty Mick's Powerful Nose For Sniffing Out This Kind Of Stuff, you can tell that even on a molecular level he is not even pretending a tiny bit. That's politics for you.

Another character is a little smiling bean that wants to be part of a golf course. I don't know why a bean would smile, but believe me, Christ Onstead (no joke, he thinks he's Jesus and that is what he says his name is) has no interest in telling you why it smiles so much. Oh, and because of this strip, children no longer have ambitions.

What other characters are there? There is also a piece of roast beef that turned into a cat. You can really tell that "Christ" Onstead is really running out of ideas.

Also there are some robots, and let me tell you, there is nothing less interesting than robots that are realistically like what robots would be like. Would you want to watch a robot that only knows how to march in a line and blink two lights that are different colors? Apparently that never occurred to Mr. Savior of the Webcomics World (sarcastic).

But I'm getting way off topic here, and it really shows. I need to give you some real facts about Achewood and what makes it tick. Here's a list of themes that come up a lot in Achewood.

Now as you can see, this adds up to be a pretty bad message that not a lot of people are going to want to see tought to young people and even some people whose age is hard to determine due to a disease that makes them look the wrong age.  That's right. Achewood is a...



I'm sorry to tell you these things, especially when they probably make you get emotional, but what do I look like, your mom? Only if your mom is really cool, that's all I have to contribute to that discussion of who looks like your mom.

So...What else would you like me to say about Achewood?

What's that? You think Achewood should end forever right now?

OK, let me just press this "end achewood forever" button.

It's right over here.

Just kidding folks. That's just a little "April Fools" joke for you. I don't have a button to make Achewood end for good. I wish i did, but if I got everything I wished for, then I would have a life exactly like my life only there wouldn't be any of the bad web comics on this blog. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that I have written reviews of and a few that I haven't done a review of yet.

Achewood never ends. It just keeps on going and going, and if you ask me, that's the worst part. Can you imagine watching a movie that didn't end? I'll bet you wouldn't stand for that. That's why my third main criticism of Achewood is that it is hopelessly...



So what can you do? What can we do to make sure that America isn't ruined by Achewood? What do I want you to do now?

I don't know.

But here's what I think the new, more patriotic Achewood should be like:




It's a pretty good dream. Don't know why I'm telling you though, because I'm the only one who ever gets anything done around here.

(((---@#@#@#--Sonty Mick--#@#@#@---)))

21 comments:

Patrick said...

I feel that your 'improved' version really captured the essence of the source material while staying true to the values you hold dear. Well done, sir.

g0m said...

This was hilarious. I love the strip about mistreating women.

Anonymous said...

great post. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did any one hear that some chinese hacker had hacked twitter yesterday again.

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Anonymous said...

you fail at humour

N said...

So... I just looked through this entire blog and read the entries about the comics which I read. I really hope you're being sarcastic, oh... 100% of the time. :)

(Obviously, it's a little late for me to comment, since your last post was like a year ago, but still.)

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Anonymous said...

Hi everyone,

I truly appreciate your blog, keep up the good work!
Let me know what you think about my theories regarding hypnosis.

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Anonymous said...

So all the "bad" comments are removed by the administrator while the good ones stay up so that you can keep your fans. Genius.

Though I don't agree with your tactics to change peoples' opinions about web comics they liked previously (not to mention outright attacking someone's work), your writing does meet the requirements of a high school essay. That is hard to do for people your age. At least you're able to make biased people laugh.

Greenlsvi said...

great post. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did any one hear that some chinese hacker had hacked twitter yesterday again.