Now there are pits that people can sink into, and sometimes people sink so low that they make bad webcomics. I can think of a few examples, and you've probably read a few of my world famous blogs about them. Sometimes, though, a comic sinks so low that it could limbo under a very low limbo stick with very little effort, and sometimes without even trying. Low enough to work on the engine of a car without any jacks. Low enough that if it were a sound frequency it would make a dog bark loudly and then put its chin on its paws.
That low is known as The Non-Adventures of Wonderella. I've seen it before, and I tucked it behind my ear for later, and now it's later and I'm ready to open up a can.
Let's see, what's wrong with Wonderella...So many things...Where to start...
Well the first thing that I noticed was that the characters remind me of an art collector who buys an ancient chariot even though the original makers did not intend to make art. They are all trying to accomplish goals, but we never really see anything surface. It's like they're living in a world that is actually smaller than our world. In fiction, it's important to really create a sense of largeness, and I just don't feel anything here except maybe LARDness.
What kind of jokes will you find in Wonderella? Horrible jokes. I understand that if you don't think that they are bad, that might be a matter of taste, but what if having bad taste were fatal? I guess you'd be doing some deathbed repenting, wouldn't you? You'd probably have a funeral.
In order to write Wonderella, a person would have to get into an accident in which they got run over by a car, and the muffler hit them just right in the head so that they lost their memory for a while, and when they got it back they realized that they didn't like their identity, but then when they tried to build a new life they were ostracized, and to get revenge they made people read this comic.
That's right. I called Wonderella a paradox. I guess we'd better have a funeral, huh?
I haven't even got to the setting. It's about superheroes. (oooh)
A superhero is a person who has abilities that make him or her more powerful than a regular person. They have the ability to perform amazing feats.
And what's a supervillain? Surprise surprise. It's exactly the same thing, only evil. (whatever that means)
Good work Wonderella. Wow. What an idea. I almost care enough to learn the names of your characters. But I guess I won't, so I guess I won't be crying at your funeral.
The artwork chooses not to even resemble what I would want it to look like at all. It looks like artwork that was made by an undergraduate medical student who thought he'd like to try drawing art, and when he did, he was pretty happy with the results, but later he drove himself to improve, and after a while, he decided he didn't want to be in medicine anymore.
Later in life, he saw someone choking at a bar, and he was going to have to perform a throat surgery of some kind, but he couldn't, because he had given up medicine.
Summary: This comic is so bad, that by making it, Justin Pierce, the author, is letting people die in bars.
And he's not even going to their funerals. (Sorry I keep talking about funerals here, but I went to one last week, and I can't stop thinking about them. How did they get started, anyway?)
Wonderella is, without doubt, one of the best reasons to shut off your computer, and then turn it on again, instead of just rebooting like a regular person would. It's like a bad case of the blues. It's like finding a thumb in a burger. It's like going to the gym, and finding out that somebody deflated all the basketballs.
You just can't get away with this stuff. That's why Wonderella will never be adapted into a bestselling novel. And if that's the case why don't we just call up the coroner, rent a hearse, get an expensive gravestone, sent a note to all the relatives, get out our best black clothes, and have a funeral.
Yes, let's have a big funeral for Wonderella.
Rest in peace, Wonderella.
Boo hoo hoo.