Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Dinosaur Comics

OK, first of all I need to explain to you all why I have been gone: The primary reason, and I say this from the bottom of my heart, is that I needed to spend some time finding myself. I needed to just get going and get out, and bet the kind of guy who understands who he is. Now that I have spent some time on a small boat, I think that I know who I am.

Everyone should know who they are, because if you know that then you can easily predict what you are going to do next. If you can't do that, then don't come crying to me when you commit a murder, because I'm not going to listen. I'm not even going to pretend that I care about you or your stupid murder that you committed. I'm not even going to listen to the sound of my own fingertips in my ears (Very hard to tune out. The secret: cotton balls.)

OK, another reason that I was not able to blog for a while is that it took me FOREVER to get to the point where I could select a winner for the big contest. The big contest was a contest. The contestants had to try to figure out what the best way was that they could photoshop themselves into a handsome picture. Anyway, here is the winner.


I like this picture primarily because it reminds me of what it is like to stand next to a beautiful woman, which is one of my favorite things to do. If you don't believe me, just consult my personal diary (OH WAIT YOU CAN'T)

The winner's name is Margaret Kelly, and I guess she must be a sexy fox or something because that is what I see here. I will review a comic of her choosing next, but not right now because I'm just mad about one thing that I just have to review of course. I'd say that it was typical, but nothing that I ever do is typical. I make a point of always doing extraordinary things that nobody else would ever do.

Dinosaur Comics.

I am fuming about this, and it is important that you know what that means.

You see, a fume is a stinky smell, and sometimes it is a dangerous smell. Chemicals would be a dangerous smell. Poison is also a dangerous smell, especially if it is a kind of poison that kills you through breathing it. Carbon monoxide would not be a dangerous smell, because carbon monoxide is odorless.

If you need legal advice about carbon monoxide, you might like to try right here.

If you get really angry, you will probably feel the need to do what I do: Exercise. It's a little known fact that when you're angry is the best time to exercise, because there are some brain chemicals or something that make muscles harder and burn fat. That's how I stay in shape, and believe me it works. Anyway, if you exercise a whole lot, then you get something that hasn't been documented in regular science, but as an amateur scientist, I've nicknamed it the "sweat effect."

This is where you get all sweaty.

And of course, when sweat evaporates, you get fumes. I wish I could tell you that wasn't the case, but it is so help me, and I cannot tell a lie.

So anyways, that's the origin of the word fuming when they say that a person is fuming mad.

What am I fuming at? The answer should be obvious. If you haven't got it yet, feel free to take a break and think about it. Maybe do some research. Email me for some good books that you could try researching in.

The answer is Dinosaur Comics. And if you can't see why, then you haven't seen the basic premise of Dinosaur Comics.

The premise of Dinosaur Comics is that it's a comic to see how much crap a man can get away with just because he is tall.

Does that seem fair?

No.

Of course it doesn't.

Everyone should be equal no matter what height they are. It's in the constitution of the United States. Maybe Canadians like Ryan North (the author) could learn a little something from that.

So I poked through the archive, and I think you'll notice the first thing that I noticed: The art, and the way that it is used. See, no matter how good he is at drawing those dinosaurs over and over, and no matter how good he is at getting all kinds of tiny details, Ryan North can't draw a sad expression to save his life. It's atrocious. It's inexcusable. It's enough to make a grown man take a good hard look in a mirror and then go purchase a BMW. (I almost did, BMWs are surprisingly affordable. But I couldn't because I removed all the mirrors from my home. Religious reasons.)

So I guess what we're stuck with is a whole bunch of comics about HAPPY dinosaurs having nauseating happy discussions, and all night long we have to have happiness shoved down our throats. Wave goodbye to life's beautiful tragedies, because Qwantz wants to kill them. Maybe you can hide them, but these big grinning green guys will find them no matter what you do. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, but guess what: I'm not sad about it at all, because I am no longer allowed to experience that emotion.

The Happocolypse has occurred.

What else is wrong with the Dinosaur comics? The answer may frighten you. Did you know that dinosaurs were actually flesh-eating monsters who were gigantic? Did you know that they regularly ate people with their giant teeth? Did you know that the head of a T-rex is ten feet long? Imagine that the T-rex is chasing you: You think that he can't see you if you don't move, but then it turns out that the raptors are on the same team as him, and guess what; They can see you from anywhere in the world. That's the kind of thing that Ryan North is toying with; Unimaginable power. But he treats it like his own pet thing that he found and he can't quite tell if it's a dog or a cat, because his glasses are foggy, and he never really studied up on dogs and cats.

Simply disgusting. It's basic knowledge.

Ryan North's writing is full of questions. That's the main problem with it. I mean, another reason of course is that he sounds like he bought a joke book at a garage sale, and it turned out that the previous owner was a genius who scribbled notes in the margins of every page, and when Ryan North read it, he couldn't tell the notes from the jokes, so he just said the whole thing.

The thing that I like least of all, though, is that awful T-rex character. Has anything ever been so ungratifying as he is? No. No. He is the lamest thing since the other day when I hurt myself. Looking him in the eye is just the worst thing that anyone could ever do, and it makes me want to just punch him. I want to punch T-rex until he begs for me to stop punching him.

There is so much more to be said about how bad this comic is, and why it sucks so hard that it could never stop, but I am just one man, even if the man that I happen to be is exceptional. You won't hear me teaching you the lyrics to any anthems of hate for Dinosaur Comics today, because I can't do it all. But I encourage you all to write your own. Somebody needs to bring down this abomination once and for all, and it's not going to be the president, because there is an election coming up so he is a lame duck.

(((---+++Sonty Mick+++---)))

31 comments:

Andrew said...

Sonty scores another point for Truth.

Malethoth K. said...

You had better watch out, Sonty Mick. Ryan North might get angry, and when tall people get angry, it is a dangerous thing! I know he is in distant Canadia, but you should still consider perhaps inventing a style of martial arts with which to protect yourself from his wrath.

the sick monty said...

ha ha don't make me laugh if you tried to punch a t rex it would be like blowing on a brick wall are you serious do you even know how to think or are you too busy being so dumb

Baron said...

With Ryan North's long gangly legs he could be on your doorstep in minutes

Margaret Kelly said...

Oh thank you for choosing me, Sonty! I shall go over the details of my comic of choosing later, in a different place.

Anonymous said...

Ugh, seriously your blogs are completely nonsensical. If you are going to critique something, do it well.

tyrannoboringus all said...

the punching comic is the first funny thing you've ever done on here. congrats on smothering poop monkey peanut butter motorcycle dada urinal fumehood inhale farts from a balllloooooooooooooooonnn!

and oh, i'm taller than you.
lol fgt

Gordon McAlpin said...

"See, no matter how good he is at drawing those dinosaurs over and over, and no matter how good he is at getting all kinds of tiny details, Ryan North can't draw a sad expression to save his life."

Uhhh... what?

The art is EXACTLY the same every time. There are no "expressions," there are no "tiny details": it's clip art. Recycled. Exactly the same. Every. Single. Time.

Anonymous said...

If you're going to do a parody of John Solomon, you could at least try tobe funny...

Anonymous said...

You're a faggot.

Anonymous said...

Ryan North is overrated. Stick to writing, Ryan, and hire a decent artist to actually draw your comic!

Anonymous said...

Are you on meth?

Anonymous said...

nice fakepost.

Anonymous said...

I love qwantz. Its quirky and thought provoking and makes me happy!

Anonymous said...

you suck at trying to be funny

Anonymous said...

Oh my good goodness this is the best Thing on the Internet I have seen in like a hundred thousand years.

You are a masterfully subtle man and honestly I salute you.

Anonymous said...

stay the hell away from metaphors, until you learn how to use them.

and... please... no more of this fake satire.

Anonymous said...

Your jokes sound like someone not very funny trying to make jokes. Just sayin'. And dude, okay he uses the same format every comic, but the words are CLEVER, something you fail to be.

Anonymous said...

Usually the comments section is the best part of these reviews, but in this case, the review was just too great.

Thank you for enlightening us, Mr. Mick.

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Anonymous said...

how can he be bad at sad expressions when all the comics are the same retard