Just what is crap?
What does it take for a comic to not be good enough anymore? So that we call it a bad comic? How does it have to go wrong? What kind of problems need to arise that make it so bad that we call it crap? It's a question that most people answer without ever being asked. It's a question that takes a mind like that of Sonty Mick (me, for my new readers) to ask and answer.
I can tell you one thing right off the bat: If the comic that is so bad is on the web, then it is called a bad webcomic. That seems like a thing that you would know without even needing to ask, but you'll notice that if I hadn't pointed it out, you probably wouldn't have noticed. Also, it is called crap if it isn't any good.
Dresden Codak is crap.
Now I know what you're all thinking. "But Sonty! Isn't Dresden Codak actually an OK webcomic?
I can see what would make you start out along that line of thinking, but to say that Dresden Codak is actually OK is like saying that if you go out at sunrise, you will automatically catch a fish. You still need a fishing pole, a tackle box, a hook, bait/lures, and some water. It doesn't matter how good the sunrise is. It doesn't even matter if it's the best sunrise in history.
No sunrise can make it so you can catch fish without doing anything. Anybody who tells you something other than that is probably pulling your leg.
Dresden Codak has several problems. One of them is that when you read it, you remember certain tunes that you do not like, and then you get them stuck in your head. This is a problem that I try to avoid. In fact, I will often avoid going to grocery and convenience stores if there is a hit radio single that I hate and do not want to hear. Dresden Codak makes all of that pointless. From reading this comic I am now thinking about that song about beautiful girls where someone is suicidal.
What am I supposed to do with this?
The artwork in this comic reminds me A LOT of back when I used to go to my grandma's house, and I would not want to listen to the grown-up conversations, so I would have to go into the other room and watch stuff on the TV. Often, I would watch blooper and home video shows, and this molded me into who I am today.
Dresden Codak is like those shows, but where are all the bloopers? Where are the guys getting hit in the groin with objects that are moving toward their groins? Where are the dogs who bark too much and pee in the wrong places? Where are the babies who ask their mothers questions about bras in front of company?
They're nowhere to be seen. Dresden Codak just isn't about that kind of thing. The main point of it seems to be to set up your expectations and then not have something funny happen to a person's head. (for instance: hitting the street when a bike falls down)
I have honestly gone through the whole archive and not seen anything that even seemed hostable by Bob Saget.
This installment is the biggest monument I have seen yet to the failure of Dresden Codak. The bear steals the girl's idea, but it does not fall off of a ladder. It does not scream because it is on an amusement park ride that goes upside-down. It doesn't even do a karate kick and split its pants. These things seem like small objections, but if there's one thing that my webcomic reviewing career has taught me, it's that the little things add up. They add up fast, to the point where I don't even want to deal with this anymore.
I will never read this comic again.
OK, so I guess I should probably do something constructive, and tell you all how Dresden Codak could be improved. It is a greatly painful thing for me to do, because every time I see this comic it strikes a hurtful nerve, and I sweat a lot. It's not the kind of thing that I like to admit, especially when my readers put me on a pedestal.
I'm going to try to fix it. It'll be hard...
OK, that was way, way too hard. This comic is clearly definitely beyond repair. I tried. You saw me try to save it, but it could not be done. There was nothing that I could do. Dresden Codak is just too bad. It is just too far from funny. It's just so bad.
It's like if you were on an airplane, and you felt kind of uncomfortable, and you kind of wished that you could get off the plane because you thought that in an hour or two you might feel sick, but you already payed for the ticket and are on the plane, so you really can't. It's like if you were trying to play some miniature golf using your neighbor's window wells as makeshift hazards, and then you broke one of his windows, so you put a ten dollar bill in the window through the hole, and then went inside so that nobody would see you, and then you looked out the window every now and then to see if he was doing any kind of reaction.
That's Dresden Codak for you. Just too disappointing. Just so bad that you can't do anything to fix it.
That's why I don't recommend it. Not even if you are stuck on an island and it is the only part of the internet that you can get to.