Friday, January 4, 2008

Pictures for Sad Children

There are some things that take a true man. Not true in the sense of like he's a man, and that's true. A true man as in: A man who is devoted to truth. A man who seeks after true things. A man who never lies about webcomics, because pulling punches is for true women. No that is sexist. True children perhaps. Pulling punches is for true children.

What does a true child look like? If I had to guess I'd say this:

This is the truth about children. This is what it means to be young and pull punches. If I was a small child, I would not look like this, because I would not wear such a crappy pink robe that looks like it's from a pawn shop, and I would not hold that bear. I would do an experiment with it by letting it go and seeing what happened. It's just clipart, so how do we know the regular laws of physics would apply???

The laws of physics are here for us, but only if we are real objects in real space. I'm sure you've all seen movies or flash advertisements if you spend most of your time on the computer. You'll notice that those worlds are not the same thing. That's what truth is about. Truth is what's real that you can actually experience. Untruth is CRAP. That's what the kind of children that we probably want are the kind that are true?

So what if the children weren't true?

What if instead they were sad?

Seems pretty improbable when I phrase it like that, doesn't it? Yeah, that's probably because I was using semantics. Pretty good, I know.

But yes. If there were sad children then I guess what they would need would be some pictures, huh? Maybe some big pictures? Maybe some small pictures? Maybe even some of the pictures could be upside down because that would be kind of unusual and maybe it would get the kid to laugh.

But no. When children get sad, the only pictures that they are allotted are these. How...sad.

Pictures for Sad Children. It's a comic on the web, and boy does it pack away the laughs in a safe that not even a really good criminal could get them out of even if he had a bunch of equipment and explosives and a glass that he could hold up to the safe and put his ear on the other side and listen to the old clicks as the pins or whatever did whatever they do in order to open.

I think that the author has some jokes, but he's ACTUALLY trying to keep them from us. He's taunting us by showing us that there are jokes and then not telling us them. Here's an example.

It's the kind of thing that would make the children...MAD.

Oh no!

OK, here's a list of just a few things about the comic that make the children mad.

  • It's impractical. Does this look like the best way to make a comic? I don't think so.
  • It seems like the guy who wrote it is the sort of guy who grows his hair out, and then he waits and waits for everyone to get used to it, and he even gets it on his drivers license, but then when we all accept him as a long haired man, that's when he cuts it. It makes EVERYONE uncomfortable. I mean, just look at this installment.
  • No good social networking features on the website. Why can't these sites serve more than one purpose?
  • No references. This comic would have been the perfect place to drop a line from Free Willy, but does the author take the opportunity? No! He wants to live in a cultural vacuum! Wow, good idea Mr. I hope you like living with dust.
What is true boredom?

True boredom is when you're on an airplane and you don't hear anything over the intercom for so long that you start to feel lonely.

True boredom is when you are on a tiny planet and you are the only alien who lives there, and the only thing you can do for fun is play an alien game where you have to dare yourself to shut your eyes for certain amounts of time

True boredom is when you have your own ocean, but boats haven't been invented yet, and you can't figure out how to make one, and you're all out of resources

True boredom is when you work at a job where you help scientists do experiments to figure out how long a man can think about his own legs in one go

True boredom leads to bored children.

Pictures for Sad Children is pure true boredom. It's probably one of the main reasons that not as many people read the newspaper these days. I'll have to check sometime. If anybody knows the phone number for one of the most important newspapers, leave it here, and I'll try reviewing it as soon as I get the chance (keep in mind, I keep busy.)

So why don't I like this comic? Lots of reasons. Some of them are private, but there are some public ones. For instance, if I were reading it in public I would feel very strange.

I would feel like I was a cancer researcher who accidentally discovered the ultimate way to cause cancer, and it was the only thing I discovered all year, and my mom was trying to ask me what I had discovered that year, and it was really awkward because my only discovery was one that could kill people.

I also dislike the comic's use of perspective. Why do things always have to be in the distance?

(If it's small in the picture that means it's far away. See here)

I also dislike everything else about the comic. Sonty fans take note: Don't enjoy this comic or you will be disagreeing with your hero!

So put yourself in the position of a child. If you saw this comic then how the heck would YOU feel? This is audience participation! Put your answer as a comment!

[}{{(((--~~--Sonty Mick--~~--)))}}{]


Ethan Holbrook said...

OK, you don't like this comic because:

1. It is not drawn conservatively. Now here, I don't know what you mean. You don't explain your reasoning. Also, why would this be a problem? It might be a problem in a newspaper, where there is limited space.

2. You don't like the comic's use of perspective. Again, you don't explain why.

3. It makes you feel strange. I think the bigger problem here is that you should feel strange when you're reading any webcomic. Anybody who doesn't read them, doesn't know what they are, and if told about them, would find them strange.

4. There is a lack of pop culture references.

Allow me a quote:

"When people hear something they've heard before, that's comedy!"
-mc chris, "Segue (Skit)", Dungeon Master of Ceremonies

Some context: This quote is sarcastic. Comedic entertainment that is simply vapid pop culture references IS NOT FUNNY. Examples: Epic Movie, Date Movie, Scary Movie 1, 2, and especially 3 and 4, the upcoming Meet the Spartans, many of the newer episodes of Family Guy, every other Robot Chicken... are you seeing a pattern here? If this is the kind of humor you enjoy, I don't know if webcomics in general are right for you. They are underground for a reason.

There's more reasons, I think. But I'm bored with this blog.

Also, I'm not really sure if you're serious or not. Oh well.

Unknown said...

The only thing really sad is that the author stopped updating on a consistent basis.

I want more pictures!

Anonymous said...

Agreed, Logan!

Anonymous said...

well. if you want refernces, this very odd arc is full of references. if you're well read enough

Seth said...

personally, I think the strip is hilarious.

maybe your sense of humor just isn't wry enough to be browsing the site.

why are you reviewing webcomics anyway?

Anonymous said...

True boredom was trying to read all your post.

Anonymous said...

Wow you must have a shitty sense of humor. Pictures for Sad Children is a really good, really funny comic... at least for those of use who can think.

You basically negated any modicum of respectability or intelligence when you listen one of your main qualms with the comic as "lack of references." Mmm mmm, constant referential humor is the pinnacle of comedy. Go back to watching Family Guy, asshole.

Abi said...

Pictures for Sad Children is one of the few fantastic webcomics out there. It's clever, interesting, and certainly different than anything else I've ever seen. No reason to trash it because you don't get it.

Anonymous said...

i like the picure a lot and i think that this one confused me. i love you sobby gick

Snitchy said...

I laughed heartily. I'm not sure if the rest of the commenters are being serious, or if they're just going along with the joke. This is a very serious review.

emurii said...

Well of course Pictures for Sad Children isn't for everyone -- it really is a very particular KIND of comic -- but there really isn't any reason to say it's BAD. The idea of applying a formula for greatness to art - like a webcomic - is ridiculous.

Just because it isn't your taste in jokes doesn't mean it isn't funny.

(And, "Pillow cases? What are you talking about?" was basically the highlight of my year, btw)

androogee said...


Sadly, Guan, this is the interwebs: home of YouTube comments and serious business.

It's admirable that people want to defend Pictures for Sad Children, I guess, if you think very funny digital drawings are worth getting yourself into some big huffy fit over.

But you really would think that the fans of PfSC would be familiar enough with this sort of tongue-in-cheek humor to understand why this article is pure win.

Ah well.

Anonymous said...

there are two options:

1. this review was not serious.
Consequence: then I guess it wanted to be funny. In that case, in your place I would really work on your punchlines, because as hilariously absurd as criticizing the perspective is, there was much more text than fun. It went rambling a lot, maybe try consolidating the jokes into fewer, funnier paragraphs.

2. this review was serious.
Consequence: I would recommend you getting into the beetroot farming business instead of sitting on the internets.

Anonymous said...

I think it's pretty obvious that this review is not so serious. Because, you know, PFSC is totally awesome.

Anonymous said...

Good job at being sarcastic. Looking back through your archives, the only comics you've criticized are good ones. White Ninja? Gunnerkrigg? Dresdan Codak? Yeah, you're not serious. (not to mention I remember you from the comments section of 'Your Web Comic is Bad and You Should Feel Bad')
Yeah, I don't really have anything to say. I'm just making the above comment so people stop making pissed posts about the article.

Anonymous said...

Guys. Honestly.

...The review's supposed to be funny - it made me smile a couple of times. :)

Anonymous said...

eatzi, if this guy can't even succeed at the pathetic satire that he is attempting, what makes you think he will know T.S. Eliot?

Anonymous said...

It may be a very serious review (a.k.a. a joke), but I still didn't think it was funny.

Unknown said...

Personally, I think the review is hilarious.

Maybe your sense of humor just isn't wry enough to be browsing the site.

Why are you commenting on webcomic reviews anyway?

Anonymous said...

Wait, this is a serious review? I thought it was just a really long, drawn out joke.

Anonymous said...

So its a parody of Your Web Comic is Bad and You Should Feel Bad except it doesn't actually feature any of the funny.

Guys, parodying something funny by removing the funny is just sort of sad at best. Go attend some writing workshop before you try your hand at this.

chassidy. said...

I love pictures for sad children.

however, I also love family guy. why the all family guy disses?

Anonymous said...

Hm. I can actually see some point to this article for once. It didn't seem all that serious, though.

I know that the art, perspective, and jokes aren't to your taste, but maybe you could just ignore that and either not read it or at least try and get the joke, even if it's not "ha ha" funny. I saw some humor to the pages you recalled, even if the way it was written wasen't all that signifigent.
Also, not everyone has to be a good artist to make a good comic. This one comic called "Adventures" doesn't have the best art, but has really great jokes, especally as it progresses on. This counts as perspective, too. Sometimes the comic just simply works best in a 2-D format, like PFSD.

For once I'm not raging mad at your excuses to call this comic bad. These complaints are the most common ones used, after all.

Unknown said...

This review is not funny :(

Please try hard to be funnier.

Anonymous said...

I think the problem here is that people don't understand that this is a parody review because it isn't actually funny in any way.

Anonymous said...

This very serious review took too long. I am a man with a 10 second attention span, and there was no funny to keep my attention. Furthermore...

Anonymous said...

a OOOOO ga

Anonymous said...

I disagree. With all of it. I laughed at every single example entry.
Everyone has opinions though. But the first commenter was right, you don't explain the reasons for yours.

Anonymous said...

ADHD idiots like Sonty who are too dumb to understand humor more complex than a half-episode of Looney Tunes do not deserve to have their thoughts put into words. You are a disgrace to humanity and a waste of good oxygen. Kill yourself.

Anonymous said...

This is parody or satire or something, right?

Please say it is, your sense of humor can't be this poor.

Anonymous said...

You're no John Solomon

Anonymous said...

Go die

Anonymous said...

You make the children sad

Anonymous said...

shitty fags like you don't deserve to live.

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